Da Blues

Al surfend over het internet, op zoek naar bepaalde cd-recensies kwam ik een site tegen met ongetwijfeld hét definitieve antwoord op de vraag Wat Zijn The Blues? De valkuil van het internet, je zoekt naar iets en je komt iets heel anders tegen dan waar je naar zocht en vergeet vervolgens voor lange tijd wat ook weer die informatie was die je zo dringend nodig had.

What Are The Blues
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch... ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound freight train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. Adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Reno. ("Just to see him die")
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and 'Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. (ie; Phoenix)
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the Dempsy Dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues (a) highway (b) jailhouse (c) empty bed (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.
11. Bad places for the Blues (a) Nordstrom's (b) Art gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions (d) Golf courses.
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? YES, if: (a) you're older than dirt (b) you're blind (c) you shot a man in Reno (d) you can't be satisfied. NO, if: (a) you have all your teeth (b) you once were blind but now can see (c) the man in Reno lived (d) you have a 401K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) cheap wine (b) rot gut whiskey (c) muddy water (d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a)Perrier (b) Chardonnay (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast (e) Scotch
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama (c) Bessie (d) Fat River Dumpling.
18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie (d) Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Reno.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) (b) first name (see above) plus name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) (c) last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.
21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.
(Bron: MusicABC)

Affijn, luister ook eens naar de "Constipation blues" van Screaming Jay Hawkins (bij ons te vinden in een live versie op de cd Live at the Olympia, Paris 1998), die gaat pas over "real pain"!

En voor een heel ander soort blues, maar dan echt live kan je dinsdag 29 januari in Paradiso terecht, daar treedt Ian Siegal op.
(RK)